oh u like geography? name every lake
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.