Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
sigh
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I have a black belt in leather
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.