Air pods looking like an angry frog
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.