[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?