For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
🤔😂😂
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
That’s enough internet for the day
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes