me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You Might Also Like
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
when nothing goes right… go left
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.