Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Siri: Retweet me.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
🙁
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*