I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.