Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Oh deer
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
#Caturday
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding