My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
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Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I think they could have phrased this better
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…