[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me driving through Toronto
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.