Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
What?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Yup
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days