I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
How actors in movies eat their food