The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.