Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Happy Friday
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
based al yankovic
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream