[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Van Gone
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.