I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.