A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*