sistine chapel
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.