I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone