When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.