Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?