amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?