Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.