That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Phones down.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS