Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
S M O L
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape