Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon