5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start