me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.