3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all