random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
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If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
ugh not again
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.