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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
why no one uses midhusbands
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Wait a minute…
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.