I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.