Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,