I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.