My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
You Might Also Like
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?