Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.