[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?