Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
become ungovernable
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter