Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: Sheās ugly. Youāre drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure thereās no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Honestly, ladies, pockets arenāt all that theyāre hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you canāt even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Last-minute gift idea!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
What have you done…šš¾š„“
Sound On..šš
thank god the sign was there
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with ārecalculating…ā
TwinzerMom: Whereād you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, thereās powdered sugar in your beard
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I aināt afraid of no ghost, but Iām also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I donāt know…I thought playing āEpicā by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan