me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Your honor these allegations are
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me