Wednesday
You Might Also Like
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.