[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
God has abandoned us.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.