Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.