I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.