I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
You Might Also Like
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.