I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Happy Friday
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”