Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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what my late-night hot pocket sees
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫