[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*