I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Autocarrot sucks!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode